i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
