We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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