fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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