He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
