so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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