Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
