broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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