You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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