I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
