Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
