There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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