the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
His nipple licking is glorious
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