God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
