I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
