Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Girls should come with a carfax report
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
