if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
