and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
