My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
