Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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