he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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