im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
