I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
