Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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