the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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