Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
