she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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