omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize