I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
