I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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