Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
