i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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