Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I hate all girls vehemently.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize