Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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