Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
