I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
