I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I am spending my child support on dildos
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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