we're blogging at a bar
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
