shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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