just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
