I should be sponsored by Trojan
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
