I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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