Got a toothbrush?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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