You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Help. Why am I so naked?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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