Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
