I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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