then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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