i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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