I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
