Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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