meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
