My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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