Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
