i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
