yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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