what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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