Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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